Red Headed Writer

Words

2007-01-24T23:50:00.000-05:00

Wine Experience instead of Wine Shop

Sales Gallery instead of Sales Office

Pre-owned instead of Used

Gently worn....what? you didn't run a marathon in those Manolos?

It's just the pretentiousness of those phrases that make me want to laugh. Sadly, they weren't originally written for ironic content, but there ya go.

2007-01-24T23:49:00.000-05:00

Your Blog Should Be Orange

Your writing has a star quality - it's charming, bold, and flamboyant.
You write what's on your mind, without fear of embarrassment later.
You are one of the most honest bloggers around, and people appreciate your daring persona.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

And the Final Word on the Subject

2007-01-13T16:42:00.000-05:00

So, this week I found a (hopefully) sane roommate.

A few days later a I get a phone call.

"Hi! I noticed that you haven't had your ad running for a few days, and I'd like to take a look at the room."

Notes from the front....

2007-01-07T13:11:00.000-05:00

ads still running looking for a new roommate.

I haven't shown the apt yet, just have more strange phone calls. To whit:

1) "The room is unfurnished, but you'll furnish it right."

2) "Clean?" (me)"clean? what do you mean by clean?" (it) "is it clean?" (me) "is what clean?" (it) "clean! You know the lobby, Is it clean?" (me) "Of course it's clean, why wouldn't it be?"

3) I get a phone call from a prospective roommate at 11 pm, I immediately hang up.

There's over 3 million people in this city, can anyone explain why I only get the weird ones.

Not again!

2007-01-02T16:09:00.000-05:00

Carp lips moved out before the new year, hooray!

I've got an ad running for a new roommate.

I've gotten a few calls....

1) "What do you mean you don't keep your dog locked up in a room?"

2) "What do you mean "unfurnished"? The ad distinctly said...oh, never mind."

3) "Do you really want your furniture? I have some lovely stuff, you could just toss yours out."

4)"Owner house...speak...owner...house"

You can't attach an Uzi to phone, or can you?

Yeah, I know but....

2006-12-28T16:45:00.000-05:00

Call me crazy, but even though I am blogging, I can't/don't take it seriously.

However, there are some people who really, and I mean really think that their blogs make them a superstar.

To whit, my four-eyed, carp-lipped soon to be ex-roomie's explanation as to why he wasn't going to move out of the apartment (this was after I'd given him a month's notice).

Me: When are you leaving? December 31 or Jan 1?

Carp lips: Don't you google me??? Haven't you read my blog??

Me: WTF? Why would I bother to waste my time trying to find out if you have a blog?

Carp lips: My life is on the blog! It says that I'm not moving out.

Me: Listen freakshow- you're moving out on January 1 the latest or I toss your laptop on the street just to count how many times it may bounce, got that

Carp lips: You don't read my blog????

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

um, yes, he's moving out.

Can I get an "amen"?

Thank you

Thematic Relevance

2006-12-27T19:21:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that subway car ads are always thematic.

Anytime there's one side of the subway interior that's plastered with collegiate ads, the opposite side is always plastered with alcohol ads.

Mating Call of the Stupid

2006-12-21T19:07:00.000-05:00

Standing on one side of Astor Place, minding my own business, a guy from across the street yells at me, "Are you Irish?"

"Why, are you taking a poll?"

and some people wonder why they're still single.

Subway Sunday

2006-12-04T23:18:00.000-05:00

While walking through the 14th street subway hub, I spotted a woman carrying a shopping bag. Emblazoned on the front it was this phrase:

1-888-I- CAN-SUE

Huh?

2006-11-19T14:56:00.000-05:00

Walking through the EVil the other day, I noticed a sign plastered over a restaurant, "organic live food."

What? Does this mean I have to wrestle my food into submission before I eat it?

Point System

2006-11-16T15:44:00.000-05:00

Drunkenly trying to figure out a point system for running over pedestrians at my birthday bash; we collectively came up with a range of points.

1. skateboarders = 5
2. skateboarders wearing baseball caps = 10
3. skateboarders wearing red baseball caps = 15
4.parents carrying children on shoulders while attempting to navigate cross-walks = 5
5. As above but one or the other is wearing a red baseball cap = 15
6. anyone standing in the middle of a crosswalk having a conversation and not moving = 20 points (after all, you're hitting two people)
7. Clergy = this equals a bonus round of 25 points. Especially if they're screaming "repent" or "the end is near." It will be for them.
8. Anyone wearing really bad ribbed polyester - 5 points
9.Anyone crossing a crosswalk who moves as if the other people on the crosswalk are invisible = 10 points.
10. A blind pregnant nun with one leg wearing a red baseball cap = extreme bonus round of 50 points.

More categories will be added later.

Weapon of choice, except two of the group insisted on using lasers instead of cars. It was gently pointed out that if lasers were used, you'd first have to give the intended victim a red shirt, then call them ensign.

Uh, yeah

2006-11-11T09:41:00.000-05:00

Is there any way possible that the sidewalks in Manhattan can be re-designed? You know, there'd be a fast lane, a medium walk lane, and then a lane for the lameass tourists and people who think that walking a bit slower than a snail is okay.

No wonder you have to dart and dash while trying to get to your destination-there are just too many damn people with whom the idea of walking is a brand new concept.

Personally, I've always wondered about the tourists who decide to stand in the middle of the street facing oncoming traffic, oblivious to their surroundings, trying to take a picture. They wanna show the folks back home the NYC skyline. It's a freaking wonder that they're not plowed down by an errant and psychotic cab driver. Jesus Christ on a stick, do they think Manhattan is a movie set or Disney? And if you hit them, do you get points?

Walking down Bleecker Street yesterday afternoon, I overheard a bunch of middle-aged women chatting; you could tell they were tourists because they all wore matching sweatpants. In bright pink. I think this was a device so they could spot each other if they got lost. Like no one would notice an ass the size of a double-wide swathed in hot pink polyester and make room for them. Anyway, one of the women was exclaiming, "This isn't the street I saw in the movie! That one had nice stores."

(A) Manhattan isn't a movie
and
(B) Get your overweight pink ass to SOHO.

GAWD

2006-11-08T13:47:00.000-05:00

There are some people who should just not write. I mean not even a note to the grocer. I know that somewhere out there, a saying is floating around that more or less states that everyone has a story.

No they don't. And those fools who think they do, should never be allowed near a keyboard, pen, paper or even stone or chalk.

I was asked by a friend to top-and copy-edit a ms. OOOOHHHH! Huge fuckingass mistake. An hour goes by and I'm still working on page 3 of chapter 1. This ms is going to be self-pub'd and is a "self-help" book. Only prob, the author can't sep herself from her anger and the subject matter.

Called my bud and said that this ms was so painful I've got a headache. Not only are there basic mechanical problems, the writer (a) overwrites and (b) is heavy-handed.

"Oh, don't go crazy," he said, "we don't need it to be perfect, just workable."

"Dude, I'm not even aiming for perfect, just readable. I'm tellin' you, that this is crap. Her idea of humor is to bludgeon the reader with a lead pipe."

"Can't you just clean it up?"

With what? Lighter fluid? Me, I'm thinking that maybe I could, provided that I first knocked off the author so she'll never write again, and then take huge quantities of bleach and drano, then apply liberally to said ms. After all that, there might be something workable...then again, probably not.

"Um, maybe...but I'm going to need more money, a contract, and a free and unlimited supply of advil."

Feh!

2006-11-08T08:50:00.000-05:00

I think my feet hate me. I had two pr events last night; one served up dangerous apple martinis and the other was a store opening. Stupidly wore 4" platforms - okay, this made me human height, but still.....

I hate this store. They have fantastic taste. Everything, and I mean everything, from the bags to the dresses to the jewelry to the shoes are items that I covet. Or, as one of my shopaholic friends says, "gives me a hard-on." So, instead of just reporting about the place, I dropped money there. Not good, as I'm in media, and as you know, journalists make shit money. And the place is run by Southerners, so they're really friendly, young and cool. This makes you want to spend more money, 'cause you want to help them. What a digusting matrix!

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to check out

Monarch: 326 West 47th Street (between 8th and 9th)

Tonight I have to figure out a way to go to three PR events. One is held by a firm that I just want to smack into next week. I've alternately taken to either deleting their emails un-read or reading them and then deleting them. Why? Because they're so disorganized they make Courtney Love look like a conservative Republican.

WTF? I can't get the f*( bold to stop working! Back to rant

To Whit

Sent me info on a new treatment at a Spa- sent them a request for information, spoke to a rep who claimed she was going make an appointment for me, then had amnesia.
Never understands the word "no".
Sends request after request for "comments" on their events, even after I email them that I haven't been to them. More amnesia.
Said yes to a "plus one" for an event, bring a friend along, at the door am told-oops, sorry, she can stand outside for AN HOUR, while I go in. What happened when they were supposed to put her name on the list? Amnesia?
Obviously has something weird in their office drinking water- rampant case of amnesia

Other pr events include one where I've been asked to bring a dog, if I have one, and another where I get free inner sole pads. Hmmm.

And they say that working in beauty is easy!